Something was bothering me towards the end of 2006. I'd started receiving an awful lot of email which looked the same. It was something like this, with varying terms and percentages:

Hello dude

I don't care why your ramrod is so small, but 70% of women do.
They are pretty sure that bigger sausage will make their desire
stronger. You have the chance to change your life.

Now, I'm a sensitive guy and I respond poorly to criticism, so found this quite bothersome. From the tone of the email (sent to me by an altruistic stranger who I can only thank for bringing this to my attention) clearly a number of women have been talking about me behind my back and coming to what I feel were some unfair conclusions. I wanted to know more about what was going on here, so I started saving my spam in an attempt to determine some sort of pattern.

Two months and a 5-line Perl script later, a disturbing picture emerges. This graph plots the percentage of women who think I have a small ramrod, thing, prick, schlong or Johnson against the date emails were received alerting me to the fact:

What can I conclude from this?

1. There was a lot of what I gather is referred to in intelligence circles as "chatter" around my genitalia at the start of December. It was clearly a hot topic of discussion for women worldwide, and opinion swung back and forth wildly for about a week.
2. Something happened at 4:21 on Christmas day: women stopped talking about my old chap. Subliminal messages beamed to them worldwide during the Queens Speech? Distraction thanks to a Bond film? Too many mince pies?
3. Things were looking much better for me by the next time the issue was raised, on 12th January at 11:27am. During the intervening fortnight, 14% of women worldwide had decided that I met minimal physical standards for them. Ladies: I salute you.
4. 14% of women worldwide is 462 million women. Clearly, my powers of the communication with the opposite sex totally ROCK!
5. And on that note, my glass is half full: even at my lowest ebb, 10% of women worldwide still thought I was good enough for them. I platonically ruffle the hair of the 330m women who've stuck by me through thick and thin: thanks girls!

Comments

[Devon Young]

LOL!!! You crack me up dude! This is probably the most fun use a spam I've ever seen... parsing it to make a ridiculous conclusion. I bet you could alter the Perl script so it would be useful to others too... for a variety of subjects that spammers send out.

[Cynical S]

Just curious to see how you might use this information... is it possible to reverse the trend? Maybe take a poll? Is this a warning or a false alarm?

[Jane]

That almost made me spray my monitor with tea :-)

[Dan]

Genius.

I've been repeatedly informed by a similar group of friendly email advisors that it's not my size that bothers so many women but my inability to maintain a decent erection. Perhaps you could graph that for me sometime?

[Tom Hume]

Dan - if you have numbers we can work with, I'm happy to graph your erectile disfunction.

[Dav]

Heh. Excellent research!

[William McInnes]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genius stuff.

[Toby]

look, im only 15 but this work is absolutely genius! lol i love it, keep up the good work. visit my pathetic attempt of a blog. www.tobywilsher.blog.co.uk

[Jack Fairhall]

Thanks, Tom - very, very funny.